Truth to the Head: Firestarter

by on May 28, 2015 at 7:00 am
Posted In: Purple Ninja: Truth to the Head

Purple NinjaHoHO! Greetings once again, truthseekers! Purple Ninja is dismayed to report that you have disappointed the Purple Ninja. There are some among your number who have failed to pledge their support to the The Gamers: Dorkness Rising (Formerly Pizzajitsu: The Motion Picture) Blu-ray Kickstarter campaign. You claim to be loyal students of the Purple Ninja, but Purple Ninja has been in your home. Purple Ninja has flipped through your filthy, shameful browser history, and has obtained proof of your lack of support. This will not stand. It is not too late to avoid the oncoming whirlwind of vicious, violet violence. Go! Pledge and be spared!

NOW BEGINS THE INSTILLING!

Deven writes:

Mr. Purple Ninja,

I’m really scared. I’m only ten years old but I had to run away from home because whenever I get angry things start blowing up. The police thought I was some sort of crazy person. And now there are these people in black coats and sunglasses following me. Please help me!

Oh boy! Okay, we’re doing this. Have a seat, Deven-san. It is time for Purple Ninja to give you “the talk”. There comes a time in a young boy’s life when his body begins to change. Growth spurts. Hair in weird places. Angersplosions. This is all perfectly normal. Well, not the last one. That one is pretty uncommon. The technical term is “pyrokinesis” and it means that you have developed the psychic ability to set fires with your mind. Congratulations! Pyrokinesis is one of the more useful psychic powers. Even if you do not devote your life to the fight against Evil—which would be a huge mistake in Purple Ninja’s opinion—you’ll find your pyrokinesis coming in handy on a day to day basis. Just think of the possibilities! Clearing dry brush from your yard with a wave of your hand. Lighting the barbecue with a smoldering glance. And s’mores, like, whenever! Just *BAM* insta-roasted marshmallow! Oh, man, Purple Ninja loves s’mores!

And as for these black-coated strangers, the answer has been inside you all along, Deven-san. Light the stalkery creepsters up! HoHO!

– Purple Ninja

The Purple NinjaAbout the Author:
The Purple Ninja is the greatest Demon Hunter of them all, master of the Seven Essential Forms of Martial Arts, and RIGHT BEHIND YOU! Haha! (HoHO!) Purple Ninja made you look!

Purple Ninja has no need for psychic powers. Purple Ninja’s bare hands are already the deadliest of weapons. Still, Purple Ninja admits to being a tiny bit jealous of pyrokinetics. Those s’mores, man…

Have a question for the Purple Ninja? Send it to purpleninja@deadgentlemen.com.

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Truth to the Head: Slow Days

by on May 21, 2015 at 7:00 am
Posted In: Purple Ninja: Truth to the Head

Purple NinjaHoHO! Greetings, truthseekers! Before the Purple Ninja enriches your miserable civilian lives with ancient wisdoms, Purple Ninja must first shill for his corporate overlords. Cast your awestruck eyes upon…Pizzajitsu: The Motion Picture! This short film features the greatest Demon Hunter of them all in pulse-pounding combat against the Purple Ninja’s most deadly and formidable opponent, the Orange Ninja! Though only two minutes long, Pizzajitsu: The Motion Picture has been hailed as a masterpiece of cinematic—

What’s that? Ah, I see. EDITORIAL CORRECTION! Purple Ninja is being told that the producers had to pad out the runtime when Purple Ninja slew his opponent in an unexpectedly rapid fashion. Apparently the Dead Gentlemen didn’t think one hundred and twenty seconds of spleen-punching ninja-on-ninja action was enough to draw an audience. Now it is called The Gamers: Dorkness Rising, and is about RPGs or something. There is an ongoing Kickstarter campaign to produce a Blu-ray edition so vast in its offerings that it is worthy of bearing a film starring the Purple Ninja. As though such a feat were possible! Pledge your support, lest the Purple Ninja roundhouse-Kickstart your coccyx into your chest cavity!

NOW BEGINS THE INSTILLING!

Robby Wishin writes:

Dear Purple Ninja,

Today is my Birthday. I know that one can never take a day off from defending the world from evil, nor do I want to do such a thing. But during my constant vigil and scouting of the local area, I have found little evil to vanquish. How do you handle slow days or try to relax when you must be ever vigilant when an attack can come at any time?

Many thanks for your advice and the epic example that you set.

Ah, Robert, you are mistaken. Purple Ninja has never experienced a slow day! Evil does not take sick days! Evil does not have a pool of flex time available for vacations and unexpected family emergencies! Evil works around the clock, and so does the Purple Ninja! HoHO!

You have too narrow a view of Evil, my friend. It will not always present as a slavering beast with razor sharp claws, or an undead hell-thing that hungers for human flesh. Like flatulence in the shower, Evil is pervasive and inescapable. It winds its way into every dark corner of society. It is the solemn duty of warriors like yourself and Purple Ninja to dive fistfirst into these corners and keep punching until whatever is hiding in there stops twitching. You must expand your parameters, young Robert! See the world as the Purple Ninja sees it, and no Evil will hide from your terrible, ninja-y sight!

Poorly painted lines in a parking lot cause you to get a ticket for parking in a handicapped space? EVIL! Hunt down those who have neglected the upkeep of the asphalt. Perhaps they will care about properly marked parking spaces after losing the use of their own legs!

Your “footlong” sandwich was a mere eleven inches long? EVIL! Teach the so-called sandwich artist a lesson on the importance of that missing inch with a one-inch punch to the duodenum!

The deodorant you’ve used for twenty years has changed its formula and now you’ve broken out in a rash? Ooh, that is a special brand of Evil! The sort of Evil that seems insignificant, but will wear away at your very soul given enough time. Every aspect of your life will gradually be made worse, all to save half a cent per stick of deodorant. You must infiltrate the heavily guarded deodorant research facility and teach their head chemist that adding “Power” to something isn’t necessarily a good thing!

So you see, Robert, Evil is all around! One must only look through the sunglassed eyes of the Purple Ninja. Now enough of this “slow days” nonsense! Get out there and rip Evil a new screamhole! But back that Kickstarter campaign first. Purple Ninja is pretty sure he gets residuals from that thing. HoHO!

– Purple Ninja

The Purple NinjaAbout the Author:
The Purple Ninja is the greatest Demon Hunter of them all, master of the Seven Essential Forms of Martial Arts, and star and sole-survivor of Pizzajitsu: The Motion Picture.

The Purple Ninja seems pretty serious about that The Gamers: Dorkness Rising Definitive Blu-ray Edition Kickstarter campaign. Someone just lowered their pledge by ten dollars so Purple Ninja lowered their height by ten inches! Back it! Back it before it’s too late!

Have a question for the Purple Ninja? Send it to purpleninja@deadgentlemen.com.

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Storytime with KBC

Storytime with KBC: Immortality

by on May 12, 2015 at 7:00 am
Posted In: Storytime with Kentucky Blue Clay

School’s almost out for the year, and I am neck deep in papers that need grading, and I’m pretty sure I accidentally left my T.A. somewhere in the temples of El Dorado. Hey, I needed an extra set of hands to carry all that treasure! Don’t worry, I’ll go back for the gold. The guy! I meant the guy. Just, you know, not right now, because I am swamped! Ever feel there’s just never enough time in the day? Or enough days in your life? You’re not the only one.

Ponce_de_LeónJuan Ponce de León set out from Puerto Rico in March of 1513 bound for adventure. Sure, he’d sold the trip to his benefactors as a quest for gold and spices and slaves—the colonial trifecta—but none of that was the real goal. Fact was, Ponce wasn’t getting any younger. He was pushing forty, and naval exploration is a young man’s game. But he’d heard tales of a wonderful place. A natural spring on the isle of Benimy whose waters could restore him to youth. Try as he might, he never did find the place. Instead, he found Florida. Ever been to Florida? That’s about as far from a Fountain of Youth as you can get.

Fact is, life is short. An individual human being is just a momentary blip in history, and some people consider that a design flaw. Ponce de León was no aberration; mankind has never been content with the size of their lifespan, and we’ve gone to some extreme measures to extend it. Thousands have died in the pursuit of a longer life, which I think might be ironic but my grasp of irony is only slightly better than Ms. Morissette’s. It’s not impossible—there are ways to do it. There’s never been any shortage of enchanted springwaters and mystical rituals and alchemical elixirs that claim to crank back your clock and wipe years off your slate. Some were actually the real deal, but the vast majority was snake oil. These days life-extension is big business. The pharma companies are stepping over each other trying to be the first to sell a few extra decades to the preposterously wealthy. Personally, I prefer to hit up the future for my longevity powerups. Futuretech life extension’s got most of the nasty, facemelty bugs worked out of it already. That’s right, I’ll admit it, I’ve had some work done. Nothing major, but let’s just say that ol’ KBC’s looking mighty good for his age. But be it past, present, or future, all of these methods are just buying time.

For some, longevity isn’t enough. Longevity just means that you’ll die later, but you’re still gonna kick it some day. For these folks, it’s immortality or nothing. Working with the Brotherhood, I’ve rubbed elbows with my fair share of immortals. Mostly gods, the occasional godling who hit a genetic jackpot, and a handful of functionally immortal supernats. Decent people, but not really what we’re talking about. We’re talking about normal humans who, for one reason or another, just can’t die. For some it’s a blessing, for others a curse. And some are just having too damn much fun to care one way or the other. ↓ Read the rest of this entry…

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Truth to the Head: Gift Giving

by on April 28, 2015 at 7:00 am
Posted In: Purple Ninja: Truth to the Head

Purple NinjaUNEXPECTED POSTING ATTACK!

HoHO! You did not expect to see the Purple Ninja here today, and yet here I am! The Purple Ninja has planned it this way. The Purple Ninja has lain in wait for many months. Watching. Waiting for the perfect time to strike. The element of surprise is a ninja’s greatest weapon, and by ignoring the posting schedule that Purple Ninja agreed to when signing his freelance writing contract, Purple Ninja has gained the upper hand! HOhoHo! Purple Ninja graciously accepts your unconditional surrender.

NOW BEGINS THE INSTILLING!

Chance Gardener writes:

Greetings PN,

In need of some sage truth regarding gift giving. The wife always “likes” the presents I give her, but it seems she is never fully pleased. What is a sure fire gift to please her this holiday season?

Oh, and what is the best pizza to order?

Holiday season? Hmm…Purple Ninja is beginning to see the downside of his delaying tactics. Very well! Henceforth, Purple Ninja will answer your questions more frequently (Also, Purple Ninja is not sure that “henceforth” is a very ninja-y thing to say)! Still, the wisdom of the Purple Ninja is timeless, so on to the answer.

As with all forms of competition, the Purple Ninja has mastered the art of gift giving. Make no mistake, Gardener of Happenstance, it is a competition. You and your spouse are locked in a fierce battle to determine which of you is more in touch with the other’s desires. The Purple Ninja has bad news for you, Accidental Greenskeeper. You have already lost. And not just because the Purple Ninja took five months to answer your question. By seeking the Purple Ninja’s help in the first place, you have admitted that you are the lesser gift-giver. Your spouse has emerged the victor.

All is not lost, my friend! Well…I mean…for this year, yeah, it’s probably lost. But next year, you shall be prepared, for you shall be armed with the wisdom of the Purple Ninja! HoHO! Said wisdom is as follows: Things are fleeting. Only experience is lasting. No matter how special the gift you select, be it jewelry, or a new car, or those luxurious, hand-tooled, leather tabi boots that Purple Ninja has had his eye on, it will eventually be cast aside. So do not buy items for your beloved. Share experiences with her. Travel with her to faraway lands. Learn useful new skills together. Take up a unique and interesting hobby as a couple. Purple Ninja suggests an experience that ticks all three boxes: Train together at the Dojo Arigato! Together, you shall share in the brutal and lifelong training required to perhaps one day become worthy of bearing the title of Purple Ninja. An experience such as this is bound to bring you and your wife closer than ever. You shall forever be known as the giver of the greatest gift. At least until you are pitted against each other in a winner-take-all deathmatch to win the respect of the Purple Ninja. Purple Ninja does not believe in Second Place! HoHO!

And as for your second question, the answer is always, “the one with the most meats.” At your local Pizzajitsu franchise, that would be the “Barnyard Tsunami” which comes laden with pepperoni, bacon, ground beef, ham, and three kinds of sausage. Yes, it is an unfortunate and insensitive name, and I have expressed my displeasure to the manager. Which is to say that I have crept into his home as he slept and spelled out an angrily worded message on the wall of his bedroom in poison-tipped darts. Purple Ninja trusts a menu change is imminent.

The Purple Ninja’s wisdom ends here. You need read no further! And fear not, my friends. The Purple Ninja will return soon. Perhaps sooner than you’d expect!

BLINDING FLASH THEN RUN AWAY!

************

– Purple Ninja

The Purple NinjaAbout the Author:
The Purple Ninja is the greatest Demon Hunter of them all, master of the Seven Essential Forms of Martial Arts, and Hide and Seek World Champion sixteen years running!

Purple Ninja has not been absent for the past five months. Purple Ninja has been present. Very present. He has been watching you. He has seen the things you do when you think you are alone. Such terrible things. Purple Ninja is disgusted by your actions.

Have a question for the Purple Ninja? Send it to purpleninja@deadgentlemen.com.

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